Relationship horror instead of family idyll: For many couples, initial baby bliss quickly turns into relationship problems. You often hear sentences like, ‘She’s been in a bad mood ever since the baby arrived. Nothing works in bed any more’ or ‘He takes my work as a housewife and mother for granted’.
Table of contents
The Child Is Now The Center Of Attention
No wonder, a child changes a relationship fundamentally. Suddenly there is someone third who needs attention, wants to be cuddled, and is the center of attention. Between diapers and sleepless nights, couples quickly lose sight of each other and forget that they are not only mother and father, but also partners. In addition, the permanent responsibility for the child pulls at the nerves and thus quarrels are provoked.
Reconciling Family And Relationship
To avoid relationship problems prematurely after birth, talking to each other is, as always, the be-all and end-all. Both for her and for him, the birth of a child is a completely new situation that raises many questions and fears. It is therefore important to communicate your needs to each other, to try to listen to the other and to understand their point of view. But above all you should know: These problems are completely normal and occur with most new parents. You don’t have to be ashamed to talk about relationship problems or admit to insecurities. The important thing is that you recognize the causes.
He Feels Neglected
Many men feel that their wife has lost interest in them. The reason for this is the close connection women build with their children through pregnancy, birth, and breastfeeding. This is often perceived by men as exclusionary and hurtful and can quickly lead to strong jealousy: They not only feel that their role as a father is not taken seriously, but also that they are neglected as partners, both physically and emotionally.
Problem Of Sexual Rejection
His Perspective: She Doesn’t Find Me Attractive Anymore
Above all, the lack of sex often becomes a relationship problem. If everything was going great before the pregnancy, afterward the mothers’ sexual desire seems to have vanished into thin air. Their rejection hurts the partner and can quickly lead to misunderstandings: Many men look for the fault in themselves, are afraid of no longer being attractive or interesting enough, and quickly start to question the future of the relationship.
Your Perspective: He Doesn’t Understand That I’m Overworked
Baggy shirts, bags under the eyes a woman has never felt so unsexy in her entire life as she did shortly after giving birth. Add to that the sleepless nights colored by baby cries and the constant stress of not being good enough as a mother. Mixed with the hormones, these are not the optimal conditions to feel like having sex. Many women quickly feel annoyed and misunderstood by their partner’s advances. He only thinks about sex and doesn’t even see how exhausted I am from being a mom, which goes through their minds. After a day of being a mother, they feel the need to talk and be understood.
At the same time, they do not feel comfortable in their bodies. The partner’s desire awakens in them the pressure to lose weight and look as fit as before pregnancy.
Solution: Make Sex An Issue
The most important thing is for women to convey to their husbands that the lack of sex is not permanent. Sentences like You’re just as attractive as you were before, but in the first few weeks after giving birth, I just need to sleep. can work wonders. Otherwise, rejection can quickly make men afraid to ask for sex and make them feel like their wife has completely lost the desire for it.
Despite the stress, however, women should also realize that time for their partners is also important. Of course, the rule is: don’t put pressure on yourself or your partner. It is normal for a child to take up all of your time in the first few weeks. However, in the long run, as strange as it sounds, you should make sure to set aside time for sex. Setting a date for it may not sound romantic, but it ensures that you don’t forget your partner in the stress of baby and everyday life. Finally, this can also be a good way to block out the stress of motherhood for a short time and above all: to recognize yourself as an attractive, loving partner again.
She Does Not Feel Respected As A Mother
Women usually don’t long for physical closeness as much since they receive it through the baby. Instead, the lack of recognition becomes a relationship problem for them. He comes home from work late at night and has no understanding that I am also stressed. Then I hear things like, ‘That’s easy for you to say, you can stay home every day’. Such situations make everyday life difficult for most mothers. They quickly react sensitively to complaints from their husbands, as they constantly feel that their work as mothers and housewives is not appreciated. Often hidden behind this are their own fears of not being a good mother. The best friend seems to get the upbringing in order much better than oneself, and her husband probably never complains…
Problem Of Father And Mother Roles: What Are My Parenting Responsibilities?
Your Perspective: Sole Responsibility As A Woman
Being a mother is a 24-hour job: yet many young women feel they are less recognized as a parent than they were in their previous jobs. In addition, they feel they have sole responsibility for the baby. While motherhood strengthens the bond between mother and child, it also leads to the man being less and less a part of the parenting process.
His perspective: Afraid To Interfere As A Father
He already doesn’t dare say anything. His wife seems to have a better connection to the baby due to breastfeeding and the long pregnancy, and as a man, he doesn’t have the right touch for parenting anyway. This is not true, of course, but many fathers are (inadvertently) told this by their wives. They have the feeling that they have not built up the same closeness to the child and are at the same time unsure what the tasks of a good father actually consist of. Before they make a mistake, they prefer to hold back and leave it to their wife, who spends the whole day with the child anyway. The consequences are feelings of hurt, jealousy, and self-doubt.
Solution: Parental Leave As A Man
No perfect parents have fallen from the sky. Everyone is a first-time father and a first-time mother and must initially come to terms with this role. Especially in our emancipated society, it is important to talk about the tasks as parents together. Education is not the mother’s job alone, but everyone should do their part. Despite the intimacy between child and mother, women should find a way to involve their husband in the upbringing. His reluctance usually has to do with great insecurity and not with disinterest. Sentences like, ‘you can do it’ or a simple ‘can you help me?’ encourage the partner to participate in the upbringing.
However, the man can develop a special closeness to the child if he also takes parental leave himself. In addition, he can understand his wife better and the upbringing is equally distributed between both partners. As a mother, you can also switch off for a short time and enjoy time for yourself. After all, this is also good for the relationship. After all, if you are happy with yourself, it is easier to have a happy relationship.
How Do We Raise Our Children?
It’s not just the division of parenting tasks that is problematic, but also the way: Does the baby get a pacifier? How do we feed our children? Such questions can quickly lead to heated arguments. To avoid this in the stressful early stages, couples should take the precaution of making clear agreements during pregnancy and informing themselves about parenting methods, for example by means of guidebooks.
If disagreements do arise, the following applies:
⦁ Don’t argue in front of your child: In the early childhood phase, babies are very influenced by such negative experiences.
⦁ Parents don’t always have to agree, as long as you discuss it objectively and don’t disagree about every little thing, it’s not a problem at all.
Open Up To Others
If you can’t find a way to talk to each other despite these tips, there is always the option of discussing your relationship problems with others. On the one hand, friends or family can help you. Be careful, however, if this leads you to compare yourself with others. Look for someone who will listen to you and not try to force their views on you. Often it can help to seek professional help. Possible places to turn to are psychologists, midwives, pregnancy counseling centers, family education centers, or psychological counseling centers for marriage, family, and life issues.
However, first, talk to your partner to clarify relationship problems.
In most cases, however, it is enough to simply open up to your partner and talk honestly about your own problems and needs, and to be aware of your role as a partner despite your new role as a mother and father.
Points Of Reference For A Clarifying Conversation
Here again, is a summary of what you should deal with in a conversation about your relationship problems:
⦁ Talk to each other about parenting ideas.
⦁ Respecting each other in the roles of father and mother.
⦁ Talk about sexual needs and make time for them.
⦁ Taking time as a couple: doing things together without talking about parenting and everyday life.
⦁ make clear agreements/discuss instead of arguing.