Conflicts in relationships are part of the game. Anyone who has ever been in a long-term relationship knows this. The American psychologist Gottman has turned the relationship quarrel between partners into a science, and by means of studies of many partners and their quarreling behavior, he has created equations and formulas with which he processes the conflicts mathematically.
These allow him to predict with a high degree of accuracy whether a partnership will last or break up.
However, quarrels alone are not a sign of a crisis in the relationship; they are unavoidable and 70 percent of disputes between spouses are even insoluble.
However, it is important to balance the negative and positive experiences. As a rule of thumb, the relationship is right if there are five positive experiences for every one unpleasant one with the partner. If there are more positive experiences, this is beneficial and can act like a savings account for bad times.
Gottman found out that conflict avoidance of both partners leads to a distant, little emotional, but mostly stable relationship. Equally stable relationships are led by disputants with a good argument culture, but their relationship life is more emotional. And also those who rarely argue about selected topics and listen to each other respectfully lead stable relationships.
So it is important that partners have a similar approach to conflict. If one of them wants to talk seriously about a conflict and the other one ridicules the matter, the conflict becomes a rift in the relationship.
Conflicts Are Part Of The Relationship
A deep friendship is the core of a happy relationship and it is important to accept respect, and like each other’s personality structure for years to come.
According to divorce statistics, it takes six years until the most critical point in a relationship is reached, then quarrels become painful injuries where the negative impressions quickly prevail.
Gottman is not the only one who tests and evaluates human relationships using mathematical calculations. For example, there are numerous question catalogs on the Internet about one’s own relationship, which allow an assessment of the quality and the chances of permanence:
Despite all these tests and mathematical calculations, however, one thing should not be forgotten: Always ask your gut feeling when it comes to relationship questions. Because we perceive more than what we are aware of, and our compound of body and mind knows several ways to make us aware again of what we perceive.
However, Gottman not only calculates opportunities, but he also gives practical tips:
Be lenient and avoid reproaches, sarcasm, name-calling.
Criticism, contempt, justification, “stonewalling”, insults, name-calling, threats, and doubting the other person’s goodwill are absolutely counterproductive.
Keep calm, stay positive and do not yell or curse.
Listen carefully to the other person and try to understand his point of view.
Look for positive compromises so that the conflict is resolved satisfactorily for both parties.
Show acceptance of the other person and a willingness to resolve the dispute.
Discuss major issues in private, not in public.
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