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Deciding To Have Another Baby (when you feel like a failure as a mother)

By Kristen Miller | Disclosure Policy: This post may include affiliate links.

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My daughters are 3 years old and 14 months. If we want another child close in age to our first two, then the time to start trying is now . But how do I do that when sometimes I feel like I am failing at motherhood? Is it wrong to add to our family when I feel like I am making mistake after mistake and I won’t ever get this right?

Deciding To Have Another Baby (when you feel like a failure as a mother)

My husband and I have two kids and we are trying to decide whether or not to have a third. We knew from the very beginning that we would have at least two children. We wanted our first daughter to have a playmate and grow up with a brother or a sister. We also knew we wanted them to be close in age, so we started trying when our first daughter was a little over a year old.

One kid is easier to parent than two – it’s as simple as that. Adding a baby to our dynamic rocked my world. If adding a second child was hard, how much harder will it be to add a third? Is that something that I can mentally, physically and spiritually handle?

Everyone I ask and everything I read says that having three is actually the magical number. You let your kids eat food off the floor, blow off a dropped pacie and grocery shopping is a breeze. Well, to be completely honest here, I already do 1 and 2 and grocery shopping will never be a breeze. I’m too much of a couponer to be entirely relaxed.

What am I afraid of?

The lack of sleep

Having a toddler who didn’t sleep through the night and a baby who was up every few hours meant I got much less sleep than I needed. I don’t know if I can physically do that again.

The yelling/crying/whining/constant noise

With two kids, there is hardly any silence. What’s left might be completely gone if we add a third child.

Three kids who need something all the time

I can only do so many things at once. I just barely get 2 kid’s needs met when they both want something at the same time.

Discipline

This is a biggie. There is a fine line between being loud enough to be heard and yelling. Sometimes this line gets crossed and that is not the kind of mother I want to be. Will a third child make my parenting struggles harder?

Daycare costs

Daycare is a fact of life with two working parents. Two kids is manageable by changing our work schedules, but I’m not sure we can afford another child.

Deciding To Have Another Baby (when you feel like a failure as a mother)

So, what do I do?

Part of the decision, as you may have guessed, is that my husband has always wanted a son. But a recent post from The Humbled Homemaker titled A Dad “Stuck” With Daughters has made us reconsider where that desire is really coming from. How do you know when your family is complete?

These two posts from Oh, Honestly! make it seem do-able, but I’m still not sure.

Oh, Honestly! – Seven Things I Wish I’d Known Before I Had My Third Child – Part 1 and Part 2

Now that my youngest is 14 months, things are getting a little easier but I still make mistakes every day. Motherhood is one challenge after another. As soon as you learn to handle one thing, they’re off to the next.

What made you decide to have a second or third (or more!) children? Let me know in the comments or over on Facebook.

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Filed Under: Motherhood Tagged With: have another child, motherhood, parenting

Comments

  1. Mommy of 4 says

    April 20, 2016 at 6:34 am

    Hi!! I’m a little late here, but thought I’d comment anyway! All of my children have been surprises, I don’t use BC or anything. My first will be 3 in August, my twins will be 1 in August, and I’m due with another in october! 3 can get overwhelming, especially since my 2nd and 3rd are twins. My first 3 are all boys, if this one is a girl, I’m hoping she is my last. At least for a while! I’m only 21 so even though I have 4 children at such a young age. I’m still SO young and I’m not ready to make the decision to NEVER have another child!! I love my kids! I am a SAHM and they are my world! It is hard at times, but they grow out of the hard stages and my 3 boys already love each other so much!

    Reply
    • Kristen Miller says

      April 25, 2016 at 8:13 am

      Good luck with your 4th! Wow. If you have a little girl, the boys will loooove having a little sister to take care of.

      Reply
  2. kacie says

    September 26, 2015 at 7:19 am

    i love your honesty! I totally get where you’re coming from. We’re thinking of a fourth but I often feel like a failure and wonder if I can do it. Your fears are valid, with 3 kids our house is not quiet or clean! Chaotic is the word. And usually 2 people want something at the same time and it can be overwhelming. But at the same time, seeing them all interact is so fun and I love how they are all learning to play together. Yes, it’s hard to meet everyone’s needs when they all want to something “urgently”, but they’re also learning to take turns, to share, that it’s not all just about them. The thing that helps me the most is to keep a long term perspective. I didn’t have 3 kids close together because I love babies or two year olds (I mean I love my own of course!), but because I’m looking down the road to when they’re older and the closeness they’ll hopefully have. I’m thinking of what I want my family to look like in the future. It’s challenging now but hopefully in the long run I’m giving them a strong support system. But it is all the things you said, and kids sure are expensive! Anyway, food for thought. Thanks for this!

    Reply
    • Kristen Miller says

      September 26, 2015 at 7:04 pm

      Thanks so much! Watching my two girls start to play and interact on their own is awesome and makes me really happy we had them close together.

      Reply
  3. Amanda says

    September 23, 2015 at 10:07 pm

    Love this post. It’s so honest. We are going through the same decision. It’s really scary because I had some problems with my first (preeclampsia) and I have a fibroid that grew a LOT with the second in a kinda bad place. I’m afraid if I have a third I will have to have a c-section. I really don’t want to go through that. I have two boys, 5 and 2. They love each other and call each other buddy, but boy do they fight! lol My second is a dare devil and I have to watch him every second. I’m a SAHM and my hands are absolutely full. It’s a very scary decision both ways. I don’t want to regret not having another, but I don’t want to lose what’s left of my mind lol My two were both suprises. I think I feel that if it happens then it must be God’s timing. That’s how I feel about my boys. God knew when the time was right. <3

    Reply
    • Kristen Miller says

      September 26, 2015 at 7:08 pm

      I love your view on it. I felt the same way in the end – either way, you can decide to have another and maybe nothing will happen anyway. If it’s meant to be, it will happen.

      Reply
  4. alyssa says

    September 21, 2015 at 7:48 pm

    This is our current situation, debating on whether or not to have more babies. We have 2 boys (4 yr old & 5 month old), it’s scary but if we were to go with 2 more (praying they would be boys as well!) then we would start NOW. Call us crazy but we want our kids to be very close in age and get through the diaper, teething, infant and toddler stages while we have enough energy to have those sleepless nights. I’m so glad we aren’t the only ones that think of this.

    Reply
  5. Ashley says

    June 16, 2015 at 6:35 am

    After #2, I wasn’t sure I could handle anymore kids. She didn’t sleep, didn’t listen, made me CrAzY… But then I started to get sad about not having anymore children. I love my kids. They make me feel so happy when I get to sit back and watch them be little people, learning new things and developing their personalities. I started to wonder WHO I was missing in our family if we didn’t have anymore. Well it turns out, it would’ve been a cute little boy with a huge personality. I’m so glad I had another. And it’s really not much more difficult to have 3 vs. 2.

    Reply
  6. Casey says

    March 28, 2015 at 10:45 pm

    I’ve had that same question in my head since right after the birth of our son. We had always planned on having two, but after the terrifying delivery from complications during labor we were quick to follow up the question of “will you have another?” with a definitive “NO”. Now that our son is 18 months and were pretty much out of the woods on whether or not he would have delays or complications later in life, we find ourselves questioning that quick “NO”. All the bad memories of that labor are fading, but now my main concern is taking time away from our son. He gets 100% of our attention and I don’t want him to feel left out with a new baby in the picture. Also, with just one baby you still get YOU time. Even it’s only 30 minutes of doing the dishes in silence. Another concern for me is the health of the baby. With seemingly so many of my friends/family/random acquaintances children having medical conditions, should I just consider myself lucky for having 1 healthy child and to not push our luck? But…I’m only 26 and I don’t know that I’m ready to close that chapter of my life already. Done having babies at 26 & only 1 child? I don’t know what is right for us or what i want to do and I may never.

    Reply
  7. Candace says

    March 27, 2015 at 6:17 pm

    I will start off with honesty: we planned a third, but not until later. My son is 2.5 and my daughter is 14 months. We’re expecting our third any day. I’m on a wild rollar coaster of being panicked I can’t handle another and being so excited because the first two are incredible friends. I wish you the best of luck with trying to decide! The best advice came from my mom (of 9!) when I cried telling her I was pregnant again.

    “Gods timing is never convenient and always perfect. Nothing bad ever came from having a baby.”

    Reply
    • Kristen Miller says

      March 27, 2015 at 6:58 pm

      That’s great advice. Congratulations on your new little baby!

      Reply
  8. Anita says

    March 24, 2015 at 9:04 pm

    I only have one and we’re trying to figure out if we can handle another! It is such a hard and personal decision and I’m sure we all are afraid of regretting not making the “right” choice. But if it helps, I’m one of three and I loved it! I think it is true that with three they act more like a group and there’s less direct competition like there is with two. Good luck and enjoy the beautiful family you already have too!

    Reply
    • Jenny says

      July 21, 2018 at 3:32 pm

      I’m debating having another at 37 … scary. my daughter is 3

      Reply
  9. Katie says

    March 23, 2015 at 6:10 pm

    I have to add my little. I have not kept up with your blog but I have to say three has been so much harder then two. I have a 5 year old, 3 1/2 year old and 16 month old. We have fun times but there’s also crazy all the time. Just keep in mind it can be hard on you body to have kids close together I wish mine where farther apart for health sake

    Reply
    • Kristen Miller says

      March 24, 2015 at 7:51 am

      That is true and something I didn’t really consider. Thanks so much for sharing. I hope things get easier for you

      Reply
  10. Ann says

    March 23, 2015 at 4:26 am

    Well, I have two children and I’d love to have 3 or 4 but the thought terrifies me! I’ve decided to give myself some more time to ‘regroup’ before deciding whether we’ll be adding to the chaos!

    Reply
  11. Abby says

    March 22, 2015 at 12:57 pm

    I’m right there with you. My husband and I got pregnant with our third when our oldest was almost four and our youngest had just turned two. We were so sure it was the right thing, that we were ready.

    We miscarried that baby at 12 weeks. At first, all I could think about was getting pregnant again. But now, three months later, the idea of having a third raises all the questions you mentioned.

    Since we’ve always planned to be a family of five or six, right now we’re leaning toward waiting a bit and then having babies three and four close together. It’s such a tough decision, though.

    Reply
  12. [email protected] says

    March 20, 2015 at 8:29 am

    Your children will only get easier. That 14 month old will get easier with every month that goes by. And you can totally do this lack of sleep thing. For us, having 3 kids is not three times harder than having one, but it is super fun. I love the way my three interact and have fun together. It’s crazy but it’s also crazy fun. My oldest was 3 1/2 and my middle child was 18 months when our third was born. I knew the first year would be the hardest year of our lives, and it was, but it was so sweet too. Enjoy those babies!

    Reply
    • Kristen Miller says

      March 20, 2015 at 8:31 am

      You are so right.

      Reply
  13. Michael Watson says

    March 19, 2015 at 10:24 am

    For me the time came once we got to the stage in our kids life when I don’t have to worry about someone drowning in the tub or putting something dangerous in their mouths. I could take a deep breath and enjoy my kids.
    That was around three and five years.
    You two will know the right time just like you did the first time.
    Just stay well

    Reply
  14. Rhona says

    March 19, 2015 at 9:51 am

    I have two boys, 9 & 11. At one point, I was where you are with that decision. I had some medical issues that when my youngest wasn’t even a year old yet that I had to make that decision to either have another baby right away or go ahead with the surgery. I went ahead with the surgery. Do I regret that decision? Of course but as my boys are getting older I enjoy more of the “free time”. I also feel that we all ache to have more and more children, I don’t think that feeling ever goes away.

    Reply
  15. Crystal says

    March 19, 2015 at 8:59 am

    We had always planned to have 5 or 6 kids but then when it was time for numbers 3 and 4 (about 8 and 10 yrs ago) I was feeling like a total failure because number 1 was SO difficult. I felt like it was irresponsible and stupid to drag more kids into the chaotic whirlwind he created, but ultimately I decided I would feel resentful towards him if I let his behavior change our plans. I will admit that the pregnancy and couple of years after with the third were the hardest ever! We now have a 7th surprise baby and I wouldn’t change a thing (and yes, there is noise, every second of every day!) Here is the question to ask yourself: Is making the next couple years easier worth missing out on an entire lifetime? Think about what you would like for your family in 5, 10, 15, even 30 years, not just right now. I hope you will peruse my blog, I think it will be encouraging to you.

    Reply
  16. Candi says

    March 18, 2015 at 10:19 pm

    Can I just say that I love this post. The “are we going to have another child” question is a difficult and very personal one and I appreciate your willingness to share. My husband and I have been contemplating baby #3 since our son was born 7 years ago! This decision never gets easier. Especially when you feel as though your family is complete, but what if it’s more complete with another baby.

    Seriously, this really hit home for me. I am 35 and feeling like it’s now or never. I hope you are able to make your decision before your little one is 7!! lol

    Reply
  17. Karissa says

    March 18, 2015 at 9:55 pm

    It’s such a hard decision. We are trying for #2 right now. I always wanted my kids not too far apart in age and then I had medical stuff happen to me and we are finally able to add to our family. They will be 9 years apart and that makes me feel like a failure for not giving her a sibling close in age. I just hope that we end up with the family we were meant to have and I hope the same for you as well.

    Reply
    • lottebees says

      April 13, 2015 at 7:39 am

      My kids are 9 years apart. Simply because nr1 came when i was really young. I dont regret anything. They love each other loads and i would not have made it without the help of my oldest, who hasbeen amazing!
      Its though now, with nr1 being 11 and nr 2 being 2, both needing me loads in different ways.

      Reply
  18. Jennifer Merz says

    March 18, 2015 at 7:49 pm

    In recently heard “you’ll never regret having a third (or fourth or fifth), but you might always regret NOT having them. Your hands might be full….but it is SO much better than being empty!

    Reply
    • Kristen Miller says

      March 19, 2015 at 5:50 am

      So true! Thanks for the reminder 🙂

      Reply
  19. Kristy says

    March 18, 2015 at 7:36 pm

    We were never “sure”, but the thought of a third just never left, we tried, it happened right away. We took it as a sign. We didn’t want to regret not having another because in another 10 years life will be so different as my older two will be 14 & 15 and who knows what else. We are 13 weeks, some days I am scared of what it will be like, I mean my kids can play for hours and not need anything, going back to on demand Yikes! But they will grow and things will change, and I am just going to sit back and enjoy

    Reply
    • Kristen Miller says

      March 19, 2015 at 5:49 am

      My kids are still really young, but I agree with you – the early years are the hardest when you are constantly on call. Good luck with your new baby – Congratulations!

      Reply
    • Kat says

      April 16, 2015 at 4:37 am

      Congrats on your third baby! !! I am a mother of a wonderful baby girl 3yo. Iwould to have another but for some reason that’s not physically possible right now. Dr is working on it. I’m 23 and should be able to but body isn’t cooperating. No cycles. But admittanyways, the only advice I would give is be careful. I am twelve years older than first little brother and sixteen years older than the second. Please do not make your two older children into “third or fourth parents. “happened to me so I didn’t really get to be a normal teen and honestly I hated it. Make sure this baby does not become the teenagers responsibility because they deserve to have their lives too and it will save you a lot of resentment from them later too. Trust me, I love my little brothers but totally resent my parentsfor making me miss my teen years. Good luck though.

      Reply
  20. Krista says

    March 18, 2015 at 6:54 pm

    What a great, honest post. Two is hard. I have 2 (my daughter is 4.5 and my son is 1.5) and some days are just really long and really hard. Having a 3rd is a tough decision!

    Reply
    • Kristen Miller says

      March 19, 2015 at 5:46 am

      It sure is! And those long days are tough for moms.

      Reply
  21. [email protected] Humbled Homemaker says

    March 18, 2015 at 5:29 pm

    This is such a thoughtful post, Kristen! Thanks so much for sharing my hubby’s post! We have 3 girls, but two of the three were “surprises,” so we didn’t have to put any thought into it! I kind of think it was easier that way! We thought we were “done” but are now considering a 4th…we shall see! (And we won’t be “trying for a boy!”–lol!)

    Reply
    • Kristen Miller says

      March 19, 2015 at 5:45 am

      I think I would definitely stop at 3 if we decide to go for it. Good luck if you try for a 4th! And thank you so much for your post – it really did make us reconsider things. At first I thought those kind of comments didn’t happen to us, but looking back I just didn’t “notice” them.

      Reply
  22. alyssa says

    March 18, 2015 at 9:28 am

    I’m the oldest of 5 kids. I’m 20 and the youngest is 3. My parents just started foster care training to bring yet another child into the house. I love kids, but I’m less than thrilled. Our house is never quiet unless everyone is gone. The fighting between my sisters is insane. The baby is in this weird fire obsession stage….which is fun. Life is anything but relaxing here and I have grown up as a 3rd parent, which is not what I would have wanted for myself. So, if you have any doubts about the life you’d have with just 3 kids…don’t do it. Children should be a 100% yes. Kids are great but it’s definitely not an easy life.

    Reply
    • Kristen Miller says

      March 18, 2015 at 9:30 am

      Great advice! Fire obsession?? Good luck with that!

      Reply
  23. Bethany says

    March 18, 2015 at 7:58 am

    Their really is so much to think about! I hope that you make the best decision for your family. What ever you decide, you definitely will do the right thing.

    Reply
    • Kristen Miller says

      March 18, 2015 at 8:47 am

      Thanks for the advice ☺️

      Reply
  24. Kim says

    March 18, 2015 at 7:00 am

    I’ve felt this struggle. Most of my friends seem to be pregnant with their 3rd child, or just had their 3rd and I always wanted more than 2 kids but just haven’t felt it’s right. It’s a hard decision! There are a lot of worries I have, much like yours. So I have no answer for you, it’s hard for me to know when my family’s complete!

    Reply
    • Kristen Miller says

      March 18, 2015 at 7:21 am

      Thanks for sharing. Hopefully we’ll just “know” one day

      Reply
  25. Rowan says

    March 18, 2015 at 6:49 am

    Just remember, baby number 3 might be a girl too! Only you and your husband know in your heart <3 all the best

    Reply
    • Kristen Miller says

      March 19, 2015 at 5:42 am

      I definitely wouldn’t mind another girl. I am definitely a girl mom – I love pink and princesses and Barbie 🙂

      Reply
  26. Bethany Magnie says

    March 18, 2015 at 6:26 am

    I’ve heard a rumor that 3 children become a sort of herd which makes them easier to manage. Not sure this is true as I only have one, but it’s worth a shot in my opinion!!

    Reply
    • Kristen Miller says

      March 18, 2015 at 7:19 am

      Oh my gosh that is so funny! I don’t know if I want a herd!? I just might quote you on this. This is too funny to stay in the comments.

      Reply
  27. Lauren says

    March 18, 2015 at 5:47 am

    I don’t really have any advice to give since it is such a personal decision and what’s right for one family might not be right for another. I can say this: Three is definitely a lot of work, but our life is so full with our youngest in it.
    Thank you for linking to my posts!

    Reply
    • Kristen Miller says

      March 18, 2015 at 7:20 am

      Love your blog and those posts in particular. I found them on Pinterest one day and followed you right away. Thanks for the advice!

      Reply

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A 30-something Mommy to 2 darling girls (2 and 4) and a newborn baby boy. I love reading, writing, trying new beers with my husband and binge watching series on Netflix.

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