No one can avoid relationship problems. The only question is how to deal with them. Does the topic of separation immediately arise when both partners realize that they are very different? What is behind the need for another person and what does a relationship need in order for everyone involved to be happy?
Why relationships don’t always work out and what we need to do to change that, let’s take a look now.
Table of contents
The Famous Rose-colored Glasses
When two people fall in love, it gives them the greatest feelings of happiness. Everything suddenly seems so simple and easy that you wonder why there is disinterest and relationship problems in other partnerships.
In this phase of getting to know each other, the brain switches off the perception of all the partner’s weak points. It is all about absolute attraction and perfect harmony. Disturbing characteristics are not perceived as such or are put away with a smile.
The other person becomes the desired object and all thoughts turn only around him. At the same time, he is endowed with all positive qualities that exist. Which is perfectly fine up to this point.
This intense time has a beginning, a climax, and an end that most people do not expect. Being in love has nothing to do with relationships. It is a period of time when we have completely absorbed in the perception of another person.
But this state cannot be permanent. After a few weeks, the focus of both partners also turns to other things again. The joint vacation is over and daily work demands attention.
Parents, children and the circle of friends demand their share of attention again. Suddenly, many things intrude into the previously so intense perception of the other person, so that relationship problems are pre-programmed.
This is where it is decided whether relationships last. The basic problem is very easy to understand. To solve it seems to be an unsolvable task for most couples because it requires the change of a basic attitude instead of asking the question, when should we separate.
What Do We Expect From Relationships?
The answer to this question determines whether our infatuation will develop into a harmonious partnership or whether we will have to prepare for a breakup. Therefore, we must be honest with the answer to the question. In a relationship we want to:
- To feel loved.
- To be seen.
- To be important for the other.
- Find support from the other person.
- To be treated with respect.
- Attention from the partner.
- Understanding from the partner.
One could continue the list. But in a nutshell, we are concerned with finding a person who will always do exactly what we want (for us) at that particular moment. Unfortunately, this is the origin of our relationship problems.
Because the other person has exactly the same wishes. Or in other words: he wants something from her, while she wants something from him. Thus both sides are needy and through interpersonal interaction, relationship problems develop immediately as soon as one does not get what he wants from the other.
How is it supposed to work then? Isn’t it normal to want certain behavior from the other person? Most people live this way in their relationships, but their behavior is not normal at all; it is an acquired habit.
We have observed our parents and the people in our interactions who were close to us and with whom we spent a lot of time when we were young. We have adopted the behavioral patterns and have to live them until we question our behavior. Because it does not produce a loving partnership, but quarrels, disinterest, and ultimately separation.
Suddenly You Have Relationship Problems Instead Of Butterflies In Your Stomach
Our desires let the relationship die. This sounds harsh, but it is reality. In the infatuation phase, we are full of happy hormones that make us behave in a caring, loving, and attentive way towards the other person.
We have found someone whose appearance, social position, or appearance fascinates us. In this state, we do not criticize and have no expectations of our counterparts. It seems as if we adore each other without being able to form a clear thought.
And, of course, everyone likes to be thought perfect and the main winner. Which in turn ensures that you automatically show your chocolate side.
After we have put each other into this love frenzy and think that this is forever, comes the sobering awakening. The other person is suddenly in a bad mood. How does that work? He has appointments and no time for you because of the physical separation.
He is also no longer as attentive. He even complains that you could take care of him. When you come home tired from work, your partner is suddenly no longer standing at the door with the box of chocolates.
You think that a little disinterest in your person has crept in and you start to critically examine your partner. Now you notice things that you seem to have overlooked. Your partner is also interested in people other than you.
Family and friends suddenly come back into focus and are visited. What you could interpret as disinterest in your person. Up to now, you have never heard any angry words, but now they appear. Your partner is venting because something is bothering him. How can this be? Everything was so nice? Why suddenly have these related problems?
Waking Up To Reality – The New Start
When the first disappointment comes, you start to wake up. The deception that you made up in relation to the other person has burst. Now it would be necessary to investigate who you have fallen for. To see if there are any remnants left of the perfect togetherness.
Right away – this strategy does not work either. The anxious search for them so far so attractive qualities of the other person only brings up worries, which puts off the partner. When you got to know each other, a space was created that was free of expectations.
Something positively surprised you and your counterpart without you looking for it. You recognize something positive in the other person, which resembles your own character structure and therefore attracts.
Or the counterpart lived something that you do not trust yourself and therefore can not express. The other person is then like a substitute, through whom you make these certain second-hand experiences.
The joy of this situation releases so many happiness hormones that people feel like in heaven. But every intoxication fades away with time and suddenly makes you realize what was hidden before.
From Disinterest And Self-centeredness To Adult Relationships
The coexistence of two people has nothing to do with a relationship as long as both sides have expectations of the other person or want to define themselves through the other person. The question remains to be clarified what a relationship actually is.
First: A relationship is about expanding your own potential (all positive qualities) every day. That means being a little more kind, generous, polite, honest, patient, helpful and loving every day.
Second, it’s not about what you get from the other person. It is about realizing that you MAY mature through the presence of another person.
Third: The other person is in your life because, on the one hand, he will make you aware of your weak points with his behaviors. Moreover, it is your task to see the best in your partner every day, so that he can also develop there.
“And what about me?!” You will ask yourself this question because after these words you will feel that you do not get anything in a relationship. But this is not so. The same rules apply to your counterpart and if you are a little more loving every day instead of judging and criticizing and your counterpart does exactly the same – what happens? You give love and you receive love. Without you having to demand it.
There is a catch to this story. You have to decide to live this way. This includes this step, to stay with the attention on yourself and your behavior and to question yourself instead of your partner.
This does not mean that your counterpart can do whatever he or she wants. He or she must also take this step and question their own words and actions:
- Did I just verbally hurt my counterpart?
- Did I take out my bad mood on the other person?
- Could I not have reacted in a friendlier way?
- Do I not feel like communicating right now?
- Shouldn’t I give my partner a hug right now?
- Have I shown my appreciation to my partner today?
- Shouldn’t I give him or her a little pleasure now?
- Is my tiredness a protective mechanism to hide my lack of interest?
- Do I even want to look at my relationship problems?
Instead of accusing your partner of what he or she is not doing or should do better, focus first on your own actions. Not on what the other person is doing wrong.
Are Relationships Stressful?
That’s exactly what they are until both partners decide to show the best of themselves and always question their behavior. Until then, relationships are power struggles where both partners lose.
A temporary separation can create a little distance and change the perspective. However, if the inner attitude remains the same, even a temporary separation amounts to more relationship problems and a final breakup.
We are brought up to believe that everything necessary for life is on the outside and can be achieved somehow. This does not work with partnerships. Relationship problems arise when expectations come into play. Because then we no longer take the other person as he or she is, but want to impose a certain behavior on him or her.
Disinterest and emotional coldness are the result, destroying the relationship until the final separation. Instead of continuously expecting a desired behavior from the partner, we have to apply it to ourselves.
This is where the human ego comes into play, which likes to be comfortable and always looks out for its own advantage. Therefore, this character change is also an emotional tour de force, because the disinterest of the ego sabotages any desired change.
If both partners know about this connection, a partnership can work wonderfully. Because then it is about one’s own change, which is supported by the partner.
Suddenly there is a common theme in the relationship and both sides are pulling in the same direction. Each wants to develop into a freer person with the support of the partner. Better means freer.
When Should You Break Up?
As soon as possible, because the beginning relationship problems can grow into serious and even violent conflicts. There are many relationships in which people live in a sham, but keep up appearances. Then one partner subordinates while the other dominates.
This is a power structure, not a partnership. If there is no chance of change, a separation should be brought about. For the sake of both people. Holding out and wondering at the end of life if that was it is not a satisfactory way to go.
If one partner shows only disinterest in improving the relationship, it has no chance.
Do Not Transfer Relationship Problems To The Children
It is most difficult when children are dragged into the relationship problems. If separation cannot be avoided, the child should never be made to feel that there is disinterest in him or her, even if one parent shirks responsibility.
Relationship problems arise between adults and their expectations. It is a painful loss for a child and he or she must work through it in adulthood. However, parents should always let the child know that they did not separate because of him.
For the sake of the children, we should learn what living together really means so that they can have an easier time as adults and form lasting bonds. Relationship or family therapy may be appropriate for you.