I had imagined it so beautifully. My own little family. And now I was standing there, in front of the shards of my relationship. In retrospect, I asked myself why I had had a child with this man. Was I really so blinded by love? Probably. But sometimes you can only understand life in retrospect.
Table of contents
I Let Go, Let Go Now
Yes, perhaps I should have known better. Especially from today’s perspective. But it doesn’t help to reproach my past self. The child cannot be thought away. I have no choice but to make the best of the situation. At the same time, I have a lot of respect for and fear of being a single parent.
What We Can’t Do Alone, We Can Do Together
At the beginning, I thought that I had to master everything on my own. But I don’t have to.
I asked my mother if she would always pick up my child from daycare so that I could go to work. Without her, that wouldn’t be possible. And I bet there are more people like my mom. Being overwhelmed is not a badge of armor, admitting that and seeking help is responsible and shows strength.
Nobody is perfect. Admittedly, this sounds a bit hackneyed. But it is much more about the demands on oneself. If you always have too high demands on yourself, you can never live up to them. A vicious circle. Don’t expect everything to go on exactly as it did before the breakup.
Surround Yourself With People Who Are Good For You
Your situation is new and stressful. You really don’t need people who drain your energy. The constant wrangling over arrangements and visitation times with the father of my child cost me a lot of energy. I stopped because it didn’t make sense. It just didn’t work.
The bottom line is that everyone benefits now.
Too many times in my life I said “yes” just because I wanted to be liked. I’ve since learned how good it can feel to say “no.” It doesn’t mean rejection, but knowing yourself, your wants and needs and giving value to those.
By saying “no,” you show self-respect. This is incredibly important.
Because for the little person in my life, I am the linchpin.
If you are doing well, it will also benefit your children.
Don’t Try To Change What You Can’t Change
A philosopher once said that you have to stand in front of a mountain until you have the power to conquer it. If you cannot do this yet, there is no point in looking at the mountain all the time.
It will continue to stand there and you in front of it. If my family no longer exists, I cannot change that for the time being. But I can either continue to dwell on that thought, or turn my gaze in another direction.
Do Not Make Your Self-Esteem Dependent On Your Performance
You have to stay at home again for the time being because you no longer have a man to look after your child? That’s annoying.
Don’t link your value to your accomplishments. You are valuable regardless of what you do. And why? Because you are unique just the way you are. Or do you know someone who is just like you?
Don’t Let Your Inner Critic Take Precedence
We all know it. Thoughts like “If only I had…”, or “I can’t do this.”
You are usually much harder on yourself than others.
Pay conscious attention to your voice, but don’t let it dominate you. You are still the master of your thoughts and since they spring from you, it seems logical that only you can banish them.
Despite the external circumstances, only you have the chance to shape your life yourself and develop it again and again according to your wishes. Nobody will live your life for you.
It belongs only to you, so enjoy it! I myself have not yet been able to fully implement all this advice. It is a process.